I'm often asked great questions about how I do the things I do, and interestingly enough, I often sit there equally as answerless as the inquirer. You'd think I'd have the answer because I'm the one doing whatever it is I'm being asked about, but somehow, I'm just as stumped. It's bizarre really; this idea that despite spending every waking moment of your life in your own company, you show up a stranger to the details of many of your own actions. This was my experience earlier this week when asked, "If you really are the lazy person that you claim to be, why doesn't it show?"
I promised this person some relentless reflection and a comprehensive conclusion by the end of the week, and after a few days of intense thought, I found an answer that shocked the both of us. It was so simple and so subtle, yet so scholarly and so smart. I couldn't take credit for it because I wasn't doing it intentionally, and I couldn't give credit for it because I don't know who I picked it up from. All I knew was that it was absolutely, undeniably, 100% the answer to their question, and to many other questions I'd never before been able to answer.
This was our realization: When we ask the question, "Why?", we tend to ask it rhetorically. "Why me?" or "Why now?" or just a general "Ugh.. Why?". We're not asking this question rationally, looking for real information that we could do something productive with. We're asking this question emotionally, looking to find a venue for our pity party and an impulsive escape from responsibility. The ability to ask this question authentically, however, has the potential to result in impeccable life progress. In fact, now that I'm aware of it, I attribute a lot of my major breakthroughs and a lot of my wisdom to asking this question and meaning it.
So, if I really am the lazy person that I claim to be, why doesn't it show? It's true. I'm lazy. It's also true - it doesn't show, and it's all because of that one single question: "Why?". When I come across bad habits I can't get rid of, tasks I can never bring myself to do, activities I should be excited for but I'm not, I ask, much like a demanding data analyst would, "Why?". Why don't I do anything productive after coming home from school? Why do I spend my money in reckless ways? Why do I go to bed at a reasonable time, but get sucked into the blackhole that is social media? Why do I sacrifice time that could be spent achieving my goals to sit on Facebook for hours at a time? Why can't I bring myself to read more books? Why can't I stop eating junk food? Why can't I answer text messages or remember to call people on their birthdays or respond to e-mails like everyone else does? Why, why, WHY?
I've been asking myself these questions for a long time - years even - but I've been asking most of them them rhetorically. I haven't actually been looking for the answers to my questions. The only habits or setbacks I seem to beat are the ones I truly understand. I understand only the ones I've looked at with a critical eye, only they ones I've asked "why" about and meant it. So, this week, I deliberately looked for answers and was impressed at how quickly they surfaced. I discovered that my behaviors have triggers - or if you've read that brilliant red and yellow paperback book about habits, "cues". There is something else that's a lot less significant that I do right before I do what I don't want to be doing anymore. I identified the trigger or the cue for some of these questions/behaviors, and decided to start there instead. For example, my temptation to spend an hour in bed on Instagram kicks in the second I'm in my bed, ready to sleep, but looking at my phone. I only look at my phone once in bed to set my alarm, so perhaps, if I set my alarm before getting ready for bed, no longer requiring me to look at my phone after getting into bed, I won't feel the need to be on Instagram for an hour. I eliminated the trigger to test it out, and in turn, to my delight, eliminated the space in my day that the behavior takes up, and completely stopped.
I tested this model on more than one question - more than one behavior, and it actually worked. Ask "Why?" and mean it. Discover the trigger. Eliminate the trigger and the behavior goes with it. We all know I'm head-in-the-clouds person with these crazy concepts from Nowhereland, but it worked.
I promised this person some relentless reflection and a comprehensive conclusion by the end of the week, and after a few days of intense thought, I found an answer that shocked the both of us. It was so simple and so subtle, yet so scholarly and so smart. I couldn't take credit for it because I wasn't doing it intentionally, and I couldn't give credit for it because I don't know who I picked it up from. All I knew was that it was absolutely, undeniably, 100% the answer to their question, and to many other questions I'd never before been able to answer.
This was our realization: When we ask the question, "Why?", we tend to ask it rhetorically. "Why me?" or "Why now?" or just a general "Ugh.. Why?". We're not asking this question rationally, looking for real information that we could do something productive with. We're asking this question emotionally, looking to find a venue for our pity party and an impulsive escape from responsibility. The ability to ask this question authentically, however, has the potential to result in impeccable life progress. In fact, now that I'm aware of it, I attribute a lot of my major breakthroughs and a lot of my wisdom to asking this question and meaning it.
So, if I really am the lazy person that I claim to be, why doesn't it show? It's true. I'm lazy. It's also true - it doesn't show, and it's all because of that one single question: "Why?". When I come across bad habits I can't get rid of, tasks I can never bring myself to do, activities I should be excited for but I'm not, I ask, much like a demanding data analyst would, "Why?". Why don't I do anything productive after coming home from school? Why do I spend my money in reckless ways? Why do I go to bed at a reasonable time, but get sucked into the blackhole that is social media? Why do I sacrifice time that could be spent achieving my goals to sit on Facebook for hours at a time? Why can't I bring myself to read more books? Why can't I stop eating junk food? Why can't I answer text messages or remember to call people on their birthdays or respond to e-mails like everyone else does? Why, why, WHY?
I've been asking myself these questions for a long time - years even - but I've been asking most of them them rhetorically. I haven't actually been looking for the answers to my questions. The only habits or setbacks I seem to beat are the ones I truly understand. I understand only the ones I've looked at with a critical eye, only they ones I've asked "why" about and meant it. So, this week, I deliberately looked for answers and was impressed at how quickly they surfaced. I discovered that my behaviors have triggers - or if you've read that brilliant red and yellow paperback book about habits, "cues". There is something else that's a lot less significant that I do right before I do what I don't want to be doing anymore. I identified the trigger or the cue for some of these questions/behaviors, and decided to start there instead. For example, my temptation to spend an hour in bed on Instagram kicks in the second I'm in my bed, ready to sleep, but looking at my phone. I only look at my phone once in bed to set my alarm, so perhaps, if I set my alarm before getting ready for bed, no longer requiring me to look at my phone after getting into bed, I won't feel the need to be on Instagram for an hour. I eliminated the trigger to test it out, and in turn, to my delight, eliminated the space in my day that the behavior takes up, and completely stopped.
I tested this model on more than one question - more than one behavior, and it actually worked. Ask "Why?" and mean it. Discover the trigger. Eliminate the trigger and the behavior goes with it. We all know I'm head-in-the-clouds person with these crazy concepts from Nowhereland, but it worked.
FEEL GOOD MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
1. City Year hosted a Professional Development day during one of our service days. We all showed up, decked out in Business-Professional-On-A-Stipend attire, and jumped right into the day. I'd realized by the end of the day how seriously every was taking themselves, and after 4 years of business school, I was aware that "professionalism" should not be the absence of personality. I decided to shake things up a little (oops). In one of the last sessions of the day, the handshaking session, I used a trick that my brother taught me to make people laugh. You go to shake, and just as your hands are meeting, you drop your thumb. They end up grabbing your wrist and looking at you paralyzingly confused what happened. Laughter ensues. The joke spreads. And everyone takes professionalism with a grain of salt. Or a lot of salt, considering the event was held at Burger King's headquarters.
1. City Year hosted a Professional Development day during one of our service days. We all showed up, decked out in Business-Professional-On-A-Stipend attire, and jumped right into the day. I'd realized by the end of the day how seriously every was taking themselves, and after 4 years of business school, I was aware that "professionalism" should not be the absence of personality. I decided to shake things up a little (oops). In one of the last sessions of the day, the handshaking session, I used a trick that my brother taught me to make people laugh. You go to shake, and just as your hands are meeting, you drop your thumb. They end up grabbing your wrist and looking at you paralyzingly confused what happened. Laughter ensues. The joke spreads. And everyone takes professionalism with a grain of salt. Or a lot of salt, considering the event was held at Burger King's headquarters.
2. Spent possibly too much time at the pool this weekend. I got nice and tan, read an unruly amount, but perhaps my favorite... broke up a fight between middle schoolers that aren't even my students, but are now officially my demographic. It was amazing the way my kids have taught me, in just a short few weeks, how quick and spot on I need to be to convince them of my credibility and then "win" the situation. Luckily, I brought the same quick wit to this conversation and saved a a sassy blonde 10 year-old from being curb-stomped poolside on President's Day.
3. Forced myself to spend some time alone and try to get through some pages in my book this weekend. It worked, and I finished two entire books. Yay!
3. Forced myself to spend some time alone and try to get through some pages in my book this weekend. It worked, and I finished two entire books. Yay!
4. Re-visited our first favorite burger spot in Miami with my roommate and a friend last night. We happened to sit down to quite the modern family - 2 white gay fathers, and 3 black daughters of all different ages and complexions. They explained to us that they are part of a Foster-to-Adoption program for the youngest 2 and have already adopted the oldest of the 3. We exchanged business cards, have plans to get fingerprinted, and them co-babysit the kids sometime. Oh, the power of a great burger joint.
5. A good friend of mine (who knows who she is) called me up and gave me a challenge, one that she knew would definitely be a challenge for me specifically. The challenge was to ignore the many negative notions around Tinder, and give it open-minded one-week trial. As of yesterday, my week is now up, and it was ... interesting, to say the least. The app is officially deleted of my phone, but if I'm being honest, I learned an incredible amount about myself and my future from it, so the challenge was welcomed and appreciated.
Tune in next week to see how much my life has (possibly) changed and if my Tinder week has come back to haunt me. In the meantime, I'll be here asking "Why?" like a child who's just discovered the word.
Make it a great week!
5. A good friend of mine (who knows who she is) called me up and gave me a challenge, one that she knew would definitely be a challenge for me specifically. The challenge was to ignore the many negative notions around Tinder, and give it open-minded one-week trial. As of yesterday, my week is now up, and it was ... interesting, to say the least. The app is officially deleted of my phone, but if I'm being honest, I learned an incredible amount about myself and my future from it, so the challenge was welcomed and appreciated.
Tune in next week to see how much my life has (possibly) changed and if my Tinder week has come back to haunt me. In the meantime, I'll be here asking "Why?" like a child who's just discovered the word.
Make it a great week!