Last week flew by. I went to bed Thursday night and as I was dozing off, remembered that Friday morning was just around the corner and I hadn't even so much as drafted a blog post yet. I needed my sleep and would be starting my shift @ 5am, so I decided to get some shuteye and (in terms of the blog post) do what I do best - wing it.
But as I carried out the process of winging it, I got a better idea (which will play out over the next few purposeful paragraphs.)
I want to focus on two points this week: (1) failure and (2) success. I would venture to say, although this could be solely based on the Bentley Bubble that I lived in the last few years, that most people feel like failure and success are two of the many forces out there that are bigger then them. These two concepts, in their rawest forms, are so large, so unpredictable, and so hard to quantify that they genuinely intimidate people. Point blank - they scare us. When cold, hard success and cold, hard failure are both aways away from us, however, (meaning that a good amount would have to change for you to become either a total success or a total failure), they no longer seem as scary or as a powerful. We tend to introduce distance, "a buffer" so to speak, (between success, failure, and ourselves) on purpose (without even realizing it) in order to reduce both the stress and the scare-factor that come along with these. In doing so though, we suck everything personal out of success and failure. We emotionally and functionally place success on one end of the spectrum, failure on the other, and ourselves somewhere comfortably in the middle. Though it feels right to do that, because many would rationalize that success is far away from them, something they'll need to work at, I've come to have quite a different relationship with success. And as always, there's a story to go right along with that.
But as I carried out the process of winging it, I got a better idea (which will play out over the next few purposeful paragraphs.)
I want to focus on two points this week: (1) failure and (2) success. I would venture to say, although this could be solely based on the Bentley Bubble that I lived in the last few years, that most people feel like failure and success are two of the many forces out there that are bigger then them. These two concepts, in their rawest forms, are so large, so unpredictable, and so hard to quantify that they genuinely intimidate people. Point blank - they scare us. When cold, hard success and cold, hard failure are both aways away from us, however, (meaning that a good amount would have to change for you to become either a total success or a total failure), they no longer seem as scary or as a powerful. We tend to introduce distance, "a buffer" so to speak, (between success, failure, and ourselves) on purpose (without even realizing it) in order to reduce both the stress and the scare-factor that come along with these. In doing so though, we suck everything personal out of success and failure. We emotionally and functionally place success on one end of the spectrum, failure on the other, and ourselves somewhere comfortably in the middle. Though it feels right to do that, because many would rationalize that success is far away from them, something they'll need to work at, I've come to have quite a different relationship with success. And as always, there's a story to go right along with that.
About 5 or 6 years ago, I was given a life-changing task that at the time, meant nothing to me, but now, defines my world entirely. I was asked to draw a diagram and on it, plot three things: (1) success, (2) failure, and (3) myself. I drew the diagram that I think most people would draw. It looked something like this:
I drew the diagram and waited for a response. A smile that screamed of knowing-laughter. "Success is not what you think it is, Halle. It is not a point on a spectrum. It is not an extreme that you continuously move towards, one foot in front of the other. You'll never be ten steps away, five steps away, one step away, and then be able to reach your hand out and touch success. The same goes for failure." I didn't understand, but kept listening. "Success and failure are not in front of you or behind you; they aren't above you or beneath you. They are all around you and all within you. Anything but a spectrum. You can reach out and touch both success and failure every single day. In fact, you should. And you should see that success and failure are of equal value; equal opportunity." Yeah, sure. Let's go with that.
"Hold on to this diagram, Halle. And every few years, draw it again with your most recent understanding. You'll be amazed how much it changes."
"Hold on to this diagram, Halle. And every few years, draw it again with your most recent understanding. You'll be amazed how much it changes."
This week, I found that very diagram lodged between two books that I hadn't read in years, remembered those wise words, and decided to draw it again based on my new understanding. It reflected a lot of change in my mentality and the most up-to-date, personal definitions I had for success and failure. The first major change you'll notice is that I ditched the spectrum. I came to an informed understanding that success, similar to life, is simply not that linear, and that success and failure are indeed NOT opposites, therefore cannot reasonably reside opposite each other (I'll explain soon.) Instead of being distanced from ultimate success and ultimate failure (Diagram 1), I am amidst and amongst them, many of them. My new diagram depicts the idea that success takes many forms, as does failure, explaining why I need so many bubbles to demonstrate the number of successes or failures that I may run into at any given moment. |
And because I could run into success at any moment, I like to measure my life in terms of what I call "situational successes". I consider each situation either a success or a failure. You see, when success is an extreme on a spectrum that we may never fully travel, we go to bed every night with the reality that we're still very far from success, even on the most productive of days. When success is measured situation by situation, however, we go to bed having experienced success ten, fifteen, even one hundred times that day. We learn how to intentionally interact with success, how to welcome success into our life, how to get intimate and personal with the pursuit of success, and how to live amidst success with a newfound sense of courage and calmness.
In the same way, we can run into failure at any given moment. I like to address the not-so-good situations and their outcomes with some more alluring alliteration. I call them "functional failures". Think about it. It took Edison 10,000 tries to invent the lightbulb and you're certainly not mad about the 9,999 that didn't work out, are you? Those failures weren't tragic; they were functional - necessary steps and necessary missteps, co-existing amongst the many situational successes that I'm sure Edison ran into. Chances are, good Ol' Tom experienced success in the form of flawless calorie counting or a great hair day the exact same day he made his 10,000th try. Success is not in front nor behind us. It's all around us.
In the same way, we can run into failure at any given moment. I like to address the not-so-good situations and their outcomes with some more alluring alliteration. I call them "functional failures". Think about it. It took Edison 10,000 tries to invent the lightbulb and you're certainly not mad about the 9,999 that didn't work out, are you? Those failures weren't tragic; they were functional - necessary steps and necessary missteps, co-existing amongst the many situational successes that I'm sure Edison ran into. Chances are, good Ol' Tom experienced success in the form of flawless calorie counting or a great hair day the exact same day he made his 10,000th try. Success is not in front nor behind us. It's all around us.
Edison's diagram may have looked something more like the one below. Lots of functional failures and situational successes to be had, but one particular major success that most all would agree was of greater magnitude.
Our successes and failures come in all different sizes, and are scattered all around us in ways we can't always understand. If there is one thing that I do understand however, it is this. I am not "a success", nor am I "a failure", but rather a purposeful person who welcomes both of these forces to be at work in my life. They are of equal value to me - equal opportunity - and I want both of them around; in all shapes, in all sizes, for the rest of all time.
To reflect a bit on the importance of this mentality and to demonstrate to all of you how this all works, I spent the last week or two tracking some of my situational successes and functional failures. Here's a concerningly (at times) honest list of them, for your enjoyment and education:
To reflect a bit on the importance of this mentality and to demonstrate to all of you how this all works, I spent the last week or two tracking some of my situational successes and functional failures. Here's a concerningly (at times) honest list of them, for your enjoyment and education:
SITUATIONAL SUCCESSES
- Celebrated my birthday in a way I actually liked (taught some people how to bake/make buffalo chicken dip.)
- For the first time in 5 years, actually answered every last birthday message that I received.
- Walked straight from work to the bank to deposit my tips (didn't spend a dime).
- Got back on my bike that I love oh, so much and went exploring around Waltham.
- Found out it was a co-workers last day. Also found a way to make it a special one.
- Killed a massive centipede that has been haunting me for days in my apartment.
- Went for an evening recycling trip and managed to find an abandoned dresser that I carried home.
- Sent upwards of 5 thank you/birthday cards in the mail. Normally I just decorate the envelopes and then forget.
- Reached out when I needed help to people who would appreciate my honesty (long story).
- Created a nice little Guest Book for our apartment, finally crossing an idea off of our idea wall, AKA "Things We're Excited About Now But Will Probably Never Do" Wall.
- Returned phone calls to the people I told I'd call back (something I also never do).
- Made time to express myself in my lovely leather journal. (Thanks, Katie Kippley).
- Skyped with some abroad friends just before Oktoberfest.
- Improvised in the midst of a missing ingredient and still managed to make a Colombian Classic: Deditos de Queso.
- Held a nice long conversation with my neighbors, even though I was nervous they'd hate me for using their wifi. Turns out the husband works for pest control. Waving goodbye to my centipede friends.
- Ran into a friend in Starbucks. Realized we can coordinate my night shifts with her kick boxing classes. Free rides to work! YES.
- Came across an original song written by a brilliant 12 year old Ukulele player. Shared it with the people who needed to hear it as much as I did.
- Got a much needed haircut on a whim, a hairdresser's awesome life story, and a business card that I actually plan to hang on to.
- Downloaded a block clock screensaver I've been meaning to download for months and months
- Added a few rocks to the rock garden.
- Celebrated a good friend's birthday with a bunch of people I hadn't seen in a while. Hibachi dinner!
- Went to Chipotle without buying food. Self discipline! YAY.
- Acted quickly and strategically to ease the pain my feet were in from standing all day. Scored a pair of new Nike Roshe's for only 30 bucks. 2 day shipping. Such a win.
- Started a new book and didn't skip the Introduction (something I always do).
- Saw some new Bentley people in Starbucks and realized that I no longer felt scared about their judgements of me.
- Made a real-life, pivot table budget on Excel.
- Made a new recipe instead of another box of Annie's Mac & Cheese.
- Had a conversation with a co-worker I hadn't gotten to know very well yet. Discovered we had many mutual friends and planned a future dinner for us all.
- Planned a fun weekend with my mom and her best friend! Scored some nice bar stools & a homemade ice cream maker.
- Learned 5 new vocabulary words: impetus, omnibus, onus, minutia, and equanimity to be exact.
And that's just a small list. On to my failures...
FUNCTIONAL FAILURES
- Before killing the centipede, I lived in fear of it for a week and slept with the lights on for a while.
- Drank way too many Double Chocolately Chip Frappucinos and experienced some pretty gnarly stomach aches. Definitely need to re-think that.
- Cut my finger open on the blade from a box of tin foil. Didn't even know that was possible.
- Re-downloaded Instagram on my phone and wasted a bunch of time.
- Made the same wrong drink three times in a row.
- Made an Iced Chai Tea Latte incorrectly, with confidence that it was correct, and had a nearby customer inform me that I was doing it wrong. That's one way to learn.
- Went to the Hibachi dinner with the intention of spending no money and exercising self discipline. I left with $20 less in my bank account.
- When I scored the deserted dresser, there was a really nice desk with it. I ran the dresser back to my apartment and then ran (literally ran) back for the desk, but saw three women running away with it, looking at me with faces ridden with guilt because they knew I wanted it. Someone as strategic as me should've considered the usefulness of strategy, taken the desk and one dresser drawer back to my apartment first. No one would take a dresser that's missing a drawer and then I'd have both items.
- Felt useless at work one day. I was in everyone's way and people seemed to be getting to my tasks the second before I got to them. I, therefore, washed the dishes (even though I'm allergic to dish soap) to be a people pleaser and get some pity votes. (Ew... old, manipulative tendencies. Gotta go.)
- Forgot to answer plans for a lunch date 4 times in a row. Still haven't made final plans.
- Ate sugar right before bed, couldn't fall asleep two hours, and then had a nightmare. Lesson learned.
- Had a conversation with a friend who thought that I was ruining my life & took their words to heart for while.
- Set a goal of donating to someone's charity and still haven't done it.
- Messed up on my tax papers because I got so frustrated with not knowing the answers. Turned them in wrong and now have to do them again.
- Planned on only drinking water for a few days and to say the least, drank every other liquid available to me other than water. No discipline.
- Broke the cardinal rule at my new restaurant job. Got scolded by the hostess. Yikes.
So, there you have it. A bunch of my successes and a bunch of my failures. As I made this list and looked closely, I could pick out some trends in regards to where I was excelling and where I needed to focus my attention on improvement. Ex. Impulsivity is a real weakness of mine, as is following through on plans, hopes, and ideas that I don't instantly act upon. On the other hand, I was thriving in executing ideas and plans when I took action the second I thought of them, a form of productivity that I've learned really works for me.
If I'd kept my distance from success or failure, I'd have no perspective into trends like these and a significant lack of direction in life. If you haven't already changed your mind about success and failure and the role they play in your life, I challenge you to keep track of your own week's worth of Situational Successes & Functional Failures and see where it gets you. After all, "Success is not final. Failure is not fatal." - Winston Churchill
Feel Good Moments of The Week
- Caught up with an old friend who so graciously put my bike back together for me. We enjoyed some great conversation over free September Panera bagels, courtesy of the flawless impersonation I'm doing of Michelle Liu (currently abroad in Vienna, Austria.)
- Met three new neighbors who moved in right down the way from us: a mom who looks, talks, and acts just like the main character from Jane The Virgin (best show ever), and two adorable, spunky daughters with great hair.
- Reconnected with one of the highest quality friends I made abroad, Julia (from Germany). On many occasions, we visited a hole-in-the wall pizza shop around the corner from her apartment in Colombia and enjoy pizzas and great conversation. Though we're now on different sides of the world, we set a goal of 1 pizza together per year! I'm determined to make it happen.
- Ran into some awesome, awesome people at Starbucks this week, including but not limited to: Barb Stevens, Courtney Finn, Ash Caps, my adopted Pledge Baby Hannah, Bridget, Liz Humphries, Meg Pitkin, Elena, etc.
- Had an awesome few hours with a cool kid named Jared that my roommate brought home one day. I don't even remember what we talked about or what we did as much I remember how refreshing and enjoyable it was to chat with him!
- Was working my fourth & final training shift at my new restaurant job when I see Justin Woodard and Liz Humphries coming through the doors. They stayed all night (not for me, they love the restaurant) and so graciously gave me a ride home. Great people.
Stay tuned next week to see if I have a bed yet (that's getting old), if I've made ice cream in my new ice cream maker, and my average rate of centipedes killed per day! Thanks for reading.